Male Orders? Till Net Do Us Part: A neutral view on International Marriage Brokerage

International Marriage Brokerage is actually a much more complex phenomenon than the misnomer, "Mail Order Brides" would suggest. We all have the image of the kind of modern equivilant of the slave trader, picking a wife he can control and abuse from a catalogue of desperate women. While there are many abusive men who do participate in this kind of activity, I don't think the stereotype is fair on many men who are just looking to cast their net as wide as possible in search of a mate. So here are my views on marriage brokerage, and international marriages, set down for posterity to avoid me having to repeat myself. Many white men who feel defensive about their choice of foreign bride have opted to call me racist - a kind of white supremacist. Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, but the truth often interferes with convenient images of "feminazi" complete with gas-chamber views on those to dare to "sully" the purity of the Caucasian race (yawn).

Essentially, men and women who use marriage brokering services are entering arranged marriages. They enter (if they do so in good faith) with the specific intention of marrying, and they choose from a range of suitable options. Most of teh time, the broker mearly arranges the introductions. While we automatically think of white men with relative wealth seeking women from Asia or Latin America who are less economically advantages, the reality is more complex. Marriage brokerage sites exist for those seeking a bride or groom from their religious or cultural background, such as www.twodoves.com, the Bahai marriage broker, www.avemariasingles.com for Catholics, or www. shadi.com: one of the many marriage brokerage sites for the global Indian community. On these sites, things such as social class, education, religious conviction and shared cultural values are more important than meeting someone open minded with a good sense of humour for "good times, possibly more". People who use marriage brokerage services do so in part because they want to connect with people who share the same intention - marriage - rather than risk the possibility of getting played by someone who is insincere. For this, of course, they pay the fee: the broker weeds out the not-so-serious and only the marriage minded connect. Well, that's the theory anyway.

There is no evidence to proof that arranged marriage do not work. For those that fall out of the western-style dating game (which I always thought of as rather shallow anyway) it's a good option, though of course no marriage should be entered into lightly. One of the best recipes for a miserable marriage - of any kind - is to marry for looks or money. You marry a person, not a bank account or a fantasy.

We are fast losing in our affluent western societies places to meet potential mates (or at least, we are fast losing imagination in looking for them). Can't meet a nice girl at the pub? Why not try your local place of worship? Ask your auntie Doris if she knows someone. Join a gym. Or my all time favourite, a sure fire way to make sure the male competition is much less, take dancing classes. I know some pretty ugly guys who were extremely successful with women because they knew how to dance... but I digress. Lets' say you just can't compete, and dating doesn't work for you (heck, it never worked for me. I'm marrying the guy who used to sit at the next table in a cafe in Korea where I studied between classes). An arranged marriage, through broker, might be just the ticket. But I'd watch out for two things (1) marrying your fantasy, not the real woman and two (2) treating a marriage-partner like a commodity that can be bought or replaced when he or she doesn't shape up to your expectations.

And this of course is the big danger with international marriage brokering. The girl, usually poorer and from a developing country has a fantasy about the rich white Prince Charming who will lift her ( and everyone she knows ) out of poverty and who will not subject her to the traditional abuses of the local men, and will not mind if she gets a job. The guy, well, he might be looking for a woman who doesn't mind the home-building, serve-your-man culture that she is trying to escape from, and he is trying to re-create in a post-feminism counter-culture backlash in his own home. She may be educated and middle class in her own country, looking for better career opportunities. He might be working class and unable to cope with having a career orientated wife. The fantasy will always kill you in the end.

Particularly distressing (for me, anyway) is the kind of marriage brokerage service such as barranquillasbest.com which leaves the same nasty taste in the mouth as those old civil war era "breeding books" which tell the slave owner how best to breed black slaves for manual work. Sites like this turn the women into commodities which, rather like cars, can be sold or traded "your latin wife" says the sites author "is the biggest investment you'll make". The site then goes on to offer tips on how to stop your new "acquisition" being corrupted by American "values". All it takes is one lesbian or feminist - the site cautions - to plant an "idea" (forgetting that she already has ideas of her own that you don't know about ) and American society will do the rest.

The irony here is that the American cultural value that these gentlemen are so anxious to avoid - the so-called transaction or money orientated view of marriage that has corrupted the true ideals of marriage: is the very thing that is being served by brokers such as this. The irony, of course, being lost in the fantasy of the little brown wife who will irony your socks, give sex on tap, and never answer back.

Man, if you only knew... real women, in any culture, aren't like that. An international marriage required much more hard work and compromise than a marriage to someone from your own culture. For the men and women who realise this, the hard work often pays off, and their marriages are richly, textured experiences. For the others. Well, they'll go on trading make and models, but in the end, if you marry a fanasty, not a person, it will end in tears. And alimony.